My mother was a nurse and I was always fascinated with the medical world. So when it comes to anything health related I’m always doing way too much research, hyper focusing, etc, to the point of diagnosing myself with every conceivable thing that could be wrong with me and in the process driving myself mad.
It’s been 4 days since my surgery as I write this. My abdominal wall was a mess. Turns out the damage wasn’t just from playing disc golf it was mainly due to the incision made when I had my gallbladder removed about 20 years ago. Apparently it’s fairly common for that incision area to become weakened over time and start tearing apart. There was also several holes in my abdomen that had to be stitched up as well.
Now… the secondary hernia site was much more interesting. Before surgery the doctor found no evidence of any hernia near my groin, so when I kept feeling this golf ball sized lump, yah it was a bit scary. During the surgery he was able to verify the groin hernia and apparently it was a large hernia. Muscle tissue was definitely slipping through this hole anytime the muscle was used.
The surgery was more intense than the Doc thought it would be. After 4+ hours the surgery was over and I’m in the recovery room. Along with stitching up all the holes in my abdomen and groin, the Doc also installed 2 rather large meshes to help reinforce the muscle tissue where the hernias were. Since the surgery was fairly intense they did not want to wake me up right away so they allowed me to wake up slowly over a 2 hour period. The first person I remember waking up to is my wife and I asked her if they found the 2nd hernia and she told me yes, both hernias were repaired. That was a major relief and I was very happy at that point! lol..
So now I’m rolled into my hospital room where I’m forced to spend the night due to how much pain I’m forecast to be in. At this point my anxiety kicks in because my Father never did make it out of the hospital and I’m very scared this is going to happen to me. Even though I made it through the surgery fine (except for some pre-surgery anxiety causing my blood pressure to sky rocket) I’m full of anxiety and just want to go home. And there is no way I’m going to stay in that frickin bed.
To everyone’s surprise, within 30 minutes of being rolled into my room, I’m up and walking. For the next 6 hours or so, I’m doing laps around my floor, pacing my room, etc. I literally cannot stop moving. I’m routinely asked if I’m in pain I tell them no and just want to keep walking. I’m full of pain meds, valium to mellow out, etc, but I can’t stop walking. My blood pressure stays high but I feel fine, I keep walking. Night approaches and I try to rest, but I’m not getting in that frickin bed, so I pull up a chair and try to get some rest there. Nope, have to keep on walking instead.
This goes on the entire night and morning comes and I’m still walking, I’m ready to get the fk out of here and go home. I can tell my blood pressure is sky rocketing, due to the valium (first time ever taking this stuff) I’m not in full blown panic attacks, but man.. I just have to get out of this hospital.
My doctor comes in and checks on me and sees I’m walking around just fine, I’m able to go to the bathroom and he signs off on checking me out. Nice, time to go home. But they want to do a final blood pressure check I tell them no it will be sky high, they say they can force me to stay, I say no you can’t, etc, etc. Then they say I have to sign something to waive any additional care, etc, etc, but it will delay everything, I say fk it.. take my blood pressure. Yah.. it’s at an emergency room high but I’m going home. Since I’m experiencing no other symptoms they chalk it up to major anxiety and let me go home.
Once at home my blood pressure comes down to a decent level, I start to get tired, and I get some much needed rest. The next day all that pain they were talking about arrives with a vengeance. It feels like Edward Scissors hands has been slicing up my internals. I’m sure my adrenaline was all jacked up at the hospital so that’s why I couldn’t stop walking and had zero pain.
So approaching day 5 of recovery as I finish up this post. The pain comes and goes, and primarily is there when I go from a sitting to standing position. Walking hurts after 10-15 min but I’m cutting down my pain meds now so I expect some discomfort from this point on. I’ve been getting some decent sleep for the first time in a long time.
Taking valium at the hospital proved to me that I should be on some kind of anxiety medication. It took the “edge” off that I’ve felt for a very long time. But that edge the past year was a reminder of what happened to my Father, that I could have done better for him, etc. I know for the sake of my wife and my family I need that edge to be gone forever but I’m not sure I’m ready to let it go.
Moving forward it’s a bit of a mind fk as I sit here and type this and realize I don’t have to worry about Dad’s house anymore, paying his bills, preparing to sell the house, etc. I don’t have to worry about my guts falling out, or if that lump in my groin was a tumor, lymphoma, etc. I don’t have to dread the surgery and call if off like I did a year ago because I was too scared. It’s all done…. it’s…all……done.
I have a follow up visit with my hernia doctor in a week or so, once he gives me the clear I’ll make an appointment with a primary care doctor and discuss which anxiety med I should be on. Except for pain meds from my 2 surgeries, I have NEVER been on any medicine since I was 19 years old. I’ll be 62 years old next March, maybe it’s time to experience life without that edge, and it was such a strong edge the past year, and I know I’ve been living with that edge my entire adult life. I used to think I was just hyper, a bit too emotional, over reactive, etc. But it’s clear I need something to remove that edge. Maybe not long term, just enough to help re-program my brain to not react so strongly to life’s potentially stressful moments.
On a lighter note, it will be interesting to see how taking some kind of anxiety medication affects my disc golf game. lol.. I get so nervous, excited when I play, if it mellows me out and I play better….that would be hilarious to be honest. lol..
So I can’t play disc golf again till around December, what am I going to do for the next 2 months? yep.. time to fish. 🙂
October 7, 2024
