This post will be a bit of a downer, as I’m going through a bit of depression due to what happened at a recent disc golf tournament. This was supposed to be the launch pad for the rest of the year in regards to my disc golf career. I had been practicing so much, playing several local tournaments trying to come to grips with my anxiety when it comes to playing disc golf.
Yah.. I’ve been dealing with this my entire life. Performing publicly has always given me stress, anxiety, etc. I’ve been able to deal with it for the most part. Musically speaking, even though I can sing, I was always too nervous to be the “front man” so I taught myself how to play the drums and from behind the safety net of my massive drum set I would feel comfortable enough to sing. Playing the drums publicly is one thing that doesn’t give me much anxiety or stress. The safety of being behind the kit, that’s a good feeling. 🙂
But sport’s anxiety…really? Turns out it depends on the sport. When I was young I could throw the hell out of the “discus” and even held records for quite some time. No time to think, just throw the fking thing and move on. No stress, no anxiety. As a 11 year old I could throw a baseball faster than any other kid my age locally. So I practiced to be a pitcher, did well in practice. First game.. anxiety hits and I hit the first 3 players with the ball and they pull me out, I never pitch again. In high school I was a great kicker. I could kick far field goals in practice no prob. Put me in the game and I can’t kick at all, I was pulled and my football career was cut very short. Basketball, I could shoot well so I try out for the team. I’m all nervous and running around like a crazy person, I fall and bang my knee, I never tried out for basketball again. When things are on the line… call it choking, the yips, whatever.. if I have to think about it, the anxiety hits and my body just doesn’t want to perform athletically. But at 62 frickin years old… to still deal with this?
So I travel out to Kansas to play one of the big tournaments I really wanted to play this year. The “Glass Blown Open“. I arrive several days in advance to learn the courses. man… I am slaying these courses during practice. I feel 100% confident I’m going to do well in the tournament. I’m super excited to say the least!
Round 1 – This is literally a ZERO pressure round. I have ZERO anxiety, ZERO stress. There are no other scores to worry about, I’m just out there playing the best I can. Turns out I shoot the best round of my year so far and I have a 4 stroke lead after round one! woo hoo! Maybe all of my preparation has paid off!
I didn’t get much sleep the night before round 1, so I decide to watch the pros play after round 1 to make sure I’m nice and tired to help me get some sleep. As I’m trying to get to sleep my hotel land line phone rings. wth? I answer the phone and someone says “Is this David, someone shot my brother and I’m looking for David!”. Long story short, it freaks me out, I go down and talk the hotel people and they tell me the only way someone can call my room directly is if they’re staying the same hotel and they punch in my room number. yah.. I’m like wth is going on. The police arrive as well and they tell the hotel person and myself that other guests are getting similar phone calls. I’m told to go back to my room. About 30 minutes later someone knocks on my door, yah.. I’m not getting any sleep it looks like. Police ask me my name, I tell them and they say it was just a coincidence that my name was the same name the guy was looking for. hmm… In any event I end up not getting hardly any sleep.
A side effect of anxiety, lack of sleep, etc, is it causes my heart arrhythmia to act up. Before round 2 and 3 in the morning I end up having a few hours of arrhythmia. They subside before the rounds start and I really didn’t feel any arrhythmia the entire time I was active on the course.
Round 2 – The 2nd course we’re playing has some longer holes so I know there’s not a lot of holes people can score on so my game plan is to just try to get pars and let the other guys make mistakes. After all I have a 4 stroke lead going into this round. As a sign of things to come, now that things are on the line, or maybe due to a lack of sleep, I don’t know, I’m feeling pressure, anxiety, etc. My drives aren’t doing too well, I start hitting trees, not making some putts, etc, I end up losing 3 strokes, but still manage to end up with a 1 stroke lead going into the last round.
Round 3 – So now we’re back on the 1st course we played. The course where I shot the best round of my year the first round. But again.. I’m over thinking the final round and can’t sleep. But… I know all I have to do is play for par and make a few putts and I should be in contention to win. But with only a 1 stroke lead, yah… I’m feeling the pressure, the anxiety has kicked in big time. My drives are actually turning out to be pretty good! The problem is, every putt I had for birdie my arms felt like jello and I couldn’t launch the disc out of my hand, it would come out very weak and miss the basket. I would end up missing putt after putt. But I was still in it. The other guys were making some mistakes as well. I remembered some good advice given to me and to not look at the scores too much because it triggers my anxiety (if I’m leading or losing, doesn’t matter). But with about 6 holes left I find myself 2 strokes out of first place. Hole 17 after my drive I’m only 15ft out and couldn’t make my birdie putt. My putt was so weak it was just stupid. On hole 18 my mental state is “I couldn’t make any putts, I deserve not to win this thing.” I decide not to be too aggressive on hole 18 but I still wanted a chance at a birdie. I’m teeing off first because the guy “winning” took a bogey the previous hole.
The other 2 players in contention both throw great shots and end up 5ft from the basket. As we’re walking up to our 2nd shots I’m told “hey Dave, we got a 3 way tie for first place going on!”. I’m like wtf.. I had no idea we were tied for 1st! What if I made that putt on hole 17?!?!?! I’m totally devastated because the entire tournament comes crashing down in front of me. There’s no way I can make this far of a throw in, they both birdie and continue to the sudden death play off. My poor playing due to my anxiety causes a reality that hits hard. I’m simply not made to handle this kind of anxiety in sports. All I had to do was make 2 putts during the final round and I would have won. But I simply could not make any putt outside of 8ft. I had probably 12 or more chances to win this tournament in round 3 but due to my anxiety, “choking”, “yips”, etc, whatever… I fking blew it. I totally blew it.
Some may say losing by 1 stroke is not that bad… but the reality is I lost by one stroke 12 or more times. This was a wake up call for me. I’m too old to still go through this bs anxiety that has plagued me in some capacity my entire life. I leave the course, pack up my bags and I’m on the road going home within 20 minutes of my last putt in the tournament. I am so…done with this crap.
So my disc golf goals the rest of the year have immediately changed. I’ve pulled out of all the other big tournaments I wanted to play. There is simply no need to waste money, time, etc, if I can’t handle the pressure of playing competitively. As I’m writing this I honestly don’t know what’s going to happen in regards to playing disc golf. yah… this is another clear sign that I should be on some kind of anxiety med, beta blocker, etc. That adrenaline rush when I get anxiety is insane. I fricking love playing disc golf, it’s how I lost over 300lbs!! yah.. I still need to document my weight loss journey at some point.
I don’t know if I can play this game just casually, without playing tournaments. I’m very competitive and I love playing tournaments, but the pressure, the anxiety, etc, I can do without all that crap. I thought I was over all that crap!!! I’m so upset I blew it at The Glass Blown Open. I had every opportunity to win that tournament, OVER AND OVER and I just blew it. I simply couldn’t handle the pressure!! So…very..fking… disappointed!!
So bummed… this sucks.
So before posting this I took a break, and decided to read the article and make sure I wanted to post these thoughts publicly. After reading it, it all sounds silly doesn’t it? A grown (old) man getting upset about some silly sport. I guess.. to me losing this event due to anxiety reminds of my failures, setbacks, etc, in life caused by my anxiety issues and perhaps… I thought if I could win this tournament it would represent a bigger win in life, not just about this tournament, finally a stepping stone to understanding and potentially overcoming my anxiety. yah… this feeling does suck.
May 1, 2025
